"My first abortion was the father’s choice. The second time, the devil whispered in my ear that abortion would “save” my child from his abusive dad.
For years I lived with self-hatred and contradictory emotions. I told myself that one day I would have children when the time was right, when I’m with the right guy, etc.
Shortly after I married, I was having obsessive thoughts: “Pregnancy means choice, choice means abortion.” I was in the ideal situation to have children, but I was traumatized by the past. When I became pregnant, I had to share my pregnancy/abortion history and I was ashamed. Were the doctors and nurses judging me? It was a dreadful time.
I was feeling unworthy to carry a “wanted” child. Every evening, my husband would find me curled up in a chair, crying. It went on until I sought help and took antidepressants. When our son was born, I wanted to love him but I was feeling detached. I had nightmares where I would hurt him with knives and say, “It’s OK, he can’t feel anything.” Or he would drown and I couldn’t save him.
Since I started to heal and share my story, I have spoken to dozens of women about this. It strikes me that many who were able to conceive after an abortion either couldn’t bond with their children or lived in constant fear that someone was going to take them away. This is not emotionally healthy.
Abortion impacts us long after we leave the clinic. We can’t suppress motherhood now and start again when the stars are aligned. Women deserve choices they can live with.”
- Beatrice Fedor, Our Five Surprises After Abortion